31 May 2012

Just remember who I am in the morning.

This is so fucked up. This whole situation is so bloody fucked up. You and me… we. The thought is so bizarre. Just a few weeks ago I didn’t know you existed. Hell, I didn’t even like you when we first met. Even now it’s so easy for you to make me lose my temper. You make me mad, furious, angry. All my feelings are turning into extremes when I’m with you. And you make me realize just how lonely I’ve been.

I hated you for that. Pushed you away whenever you reached out for me. I mocked you, tried to mock my own feelings, didn’t want you to get closer while loneliness and fear grew stronger in me. Until I couldn’t bear it anymore. I gave up my mask of sarcasm and I gave in to you.

What is this between us?

I was lonely. And to be honest; I still am. I don’t understand it, I don’t understand you. What are you dreaming about in the nights you won’t stop screaming? What are you dreaming of now that you lie calm beside me? It’s not fair, you idiot. How can it be you look at me and just… see right through me. Beneath the harsh words, the forbidding gestures, the frowns and taunting laughs. I feel naked and exposed under this gaze, like you understand something I haven’t even grasped yet.
But then again your condition worsens every day. You grow weaker, your mind starts to crumble. Sometimes you call me Malik, sometimes you speak Italian, sometimes you live in another century. You’re fading away from me. And there is nothing I can do to hold you.

I’m lonely even when I’m with you - especially when I’m with you - and I’m afraid. When you wake tomorrow, will you still feel the same you did this night? How will this turn out, how will it go on? After what happened, what we did… can we ever be the same again?
I won’t sleep tonight. I just want to stay like this, I want to keep this dream in me for a little longer. Promise me… don’t lose your memory of what it felt like the last few hours. Don’t lose your memory of what we have, of what we shared, whatever it may be. Just remember who I am in the morning. I beg you, Desmond…


I came up with this while listening to Ryan Stars “Losing your Memory” for the first time (as you can see I'm not a great writer for Englisch is not my mother tongue, please forgive me). Neither the text nor the picture have anything to do with the lyrics of the song (expect for two lines) but the mood reflects perfectly how I imagine Shaun’s feelings in this moment.
So if you’d like to listen to the song, here it is.

Cross my heart and hope to die; this will be the last “Shaun/Desmond in front of a window” picture. Seriously. And to everyone who wants to ask, why I always draw Shaun as (more or less) sexy underwear-model with a six pack, three simple words: Because I can. :D